“Why do I get friend zoned?”
That’s one question I never asked myself in my single days.
But that’s only because it wasn’t called the “friend zone” back then.
I got the “let’s just be friends” talk just the same.
Many, many times.
Until Julie.
She was the first girl to like me back, so I married her.
Now I don’t recommend that practice. And, honestly, it didn’t go down exactly like that, but that’s another story for another post. (However, You can check out more of our story on our “About” page.)
Getting back to you. Last week I presented three reasons you may find yourself in the friend zone. This week I share reasons #4 and #5.
#4: Are you too needy?
We ended last week with the reality that being a little full of yourself can be a bit off-putting. Or a lot.
That said, an obvious lack of confidence is every bit the turnoff that overconfidence is. Where overconfidence says, “You’re lucky to have found me,” a lack of confidence says, “I can’t live without you.”
Granted, those words sound sublime when spoken by a Hollywood star as the soundtrack crescendos like waves crashing on the shore of love. But they can come across desperate when said by a real person who seems to be drowning in a sea of loneliness. Especially if the declaration is made after only knowing someone for two months. Or two weeks. Or two days.
Healthy people aren’t looking for desperation in their dating life. They’re looking for delight.
They don’t need someone to revolve around them like the earth does the sun. They want someone who already revels in the life they have, but believes life could be even better together.
It brings to mind verse five of the famous love chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, which reminds us that love is not self-seeking. Instead love will go out of its way to seek the good of others.
But the needy person can’t help themselves. Desperate to get their own needs met, there’s little room for considering needs that might exist in the soul of someone else.
Do you suspect you might be on the “needy” side of the Friend Zone spectrum?
If so, I challenge you to learn how to discover, declare, and deal with your junk. Then you can date as a whole person. Not someone desperate for another person to complete you. (Incidentally, we consider discovering, declaring, and dealing with your junk the three keys to a successful dating life and we walk you through each of them starting with this Date Night Advice (DNA) post.)
We also made this LoveEd video for you on our FMUniversity YouTube channel.
#5: Are you too easily angered?
To be certain, anger is a normal and even healthy emotion, in moderation.
Unmoderated, it lays waste to relationships.
This is why 1 Cor 13:5 not only tells us love is not self-seeking, but that it also is not easily angered.
Are you?
Easily angered? (Hopefully you aren’t as bad as this guy.)
To a healthy, discerning partner this should be a flat-out deal-breaker. It should send them running for the hills.
It’s not that an angry person can’t be loved. It’s that they can’t be trusted.
So, if you want to keep your temper from keeping you in the friend zone, you need to figure out how to keep your temper. A serious conversation with someone wiser who knows you best and loves you most would be a good start.
Let that friend help you identify common triggers. What riles you up? Consider the last handful of times you blew a fuse and see if you can see any correlation.
- School
- Work
- Family
- Politics
- Traffic
- Finances
- Church
- When things simply don’t go the way they’re supposed to
- Everything
Once you’ve identified your triggers, you need to figure out why they’re triggers. As you’ve probably heard, anger is a secondary emotion, with hurt or fear being the most common primary feelings which lead to anger. This means your anger likely originates with hurts you’re holding onto from the past or fears you hold for the future.
Need More Help?
If neither of these reasons for the friend zone seemed to relate to you, be sure to check out the 3 Reasons You Get Friend Zoned we listed last week (if you haven’t already).
Then come back next week, and we’ll share a couple more possibilities from The Friend Zone Files.
However, if you related to the “too needy” or “too angry” reasons above you may need more help than a couple friends can give you. You might even consider counseling. Trust me, individual counseling before you meet and marry “the one” sure beats marital counseling after you’re stuck with “the one.”
Bottom line: don’t let your pride get in the way of getting out of the friend zone! There’s no shame in getting help. There’s a lot of shame in pretending you don’t need any.
Date Night Advice (DNA) series: The Friend Zone Files
Part 2: The 4th and 5th Reason You get Friend Zoned
Click here for the next post in the series.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
Dug this weekend’s DNA? Be a good friend and share with your friends on the social media platform of choice: Instagram, Youtube, Facebook, or Twitter.
The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE you fall in love!
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!
