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[updated: 1/13/23]

Dear Girlfriend (who caught your boyfriend with porn),

So you your boyfriend has a thing for pornography.

I’m so sorry.

But I’m glad too.

Sorry it’s true, but glad you know the truth now rather than later.

Because your boyfriend’s porn use directly impacts you. It’s not just a private matter between him and the women in the pictures and the videos. It’s about him and women period. That naturally includes you.

It especially includes you.

And sadly, I know this, not just from reading about it, but from personal experience.

Because I once found myself ensnared by porn.

So my advice is not given lightly. I’m going to be thinking about the counsel I would have wanted shared with my wife back when I was the one seduced by “the forbidden woman.”

Caught or Confess?

Key question coming up that totally impacts how you should respond.

How did this porn issue come to light? Was your boyfriend caught or did he choose to confess?

If you or someone else caught him, then I would strongly suggest an immediate break-up. Not necessarily a permanent break-up, but certainly immediate.

It’s not because porn is the unforgivable sin. It’s because your boyfriend doesn’t just have a porn problem. He has a much larger integrity problem.

Again, I don’t just blithely throw out these opinions. I was there myself, totally captivated by the power of porn, so…


I’m not trying to say your boyfriend is an evil pawn of Satan. But for now, he is his prey.


I know what that feels like, to be trapped in that sin, hating it as much as I hated myself for being taken in by it.

But I didn’t stay there long, because I couldn’t. I couldn’t look my wife in the face day after day and keep this from her. I loved her too much, I respected her too greatly and I trusted her too deeply.

And I knew she felt the same way about me. (Don’t you want you and your boyfriend to feel the same way about each other?)

So I had to tell her. I had to confess.

The nature of our relationship called for a confession. (What do you think your relationship calls for?)

Porn isn’t His Only Problem

Of course, you aren’t married to your boyfriend, and so it’s possible he thought your relationship wasn’t far enough along for you to know about his issues with porn, and maybe he was right. It’s not exactly 1st date subject matter. Nor 2nd. Nor 3rd. But if no one is intimately aware of his struggle, that’s a serious problem, because…


A porn habit isn’t one of those things you take care of all by yourself. You need help from others who can offer understanding, encouragement, resources, wisdom, and accountability.


So I urge you: if you caught him, and he can’t immediately identify a trustworthy friend or mentor who has already been walking with him in his recovery, whom you can talk with yourself, then you need to break up with him for this one simple reason: you cannot trust this man.

Do you understand that?

You cannot trust someone who has become comfortable with hiding their sin instead of confessing it. That is a pattern as difficult to break as pornography. Perhaps more so!

Who’s Being Betrayed?

You aren’t married to him. You’ve made no vow. Breaking up with him is not betraying him.

To the contrary, he has betrayed you. He’s been cheating on you. Maybe not in body, but in mind. And that’s Jesus’ perspective! (Matt 5:27-29)

I know this is tough to hear, but…


If you’re willing to continue to give your heart to a man you cannot trust, then you do not understand your value in the eyes of your Creator.


And, to be clear, an immediate breakup is not only in your best interests, but in his as well. I explain that in another post, but for now understand this: Your boyfriend’s issue with porn doesn’t make him unworthy of love, but it does make him ill-equipped to handle a romantic relationship.

That said, your break-up might just be the wake-up call he’s needed. Who knows? He might slay this dragon and win back your trust!

But if not, the fact remains: you want a man you can trust.

You need a man you can trust.

Forgiveness ≠ Trust

Cheating men can be forgiven, but they can’t be trusted until they’ve given up their cheating ways and learned to walk in integrity. And this is not an overnight process.

But what if this porn problem is something he confessed to you of his own free will?

The good news then is he doesn’t have the same integrity problem. The bad news is he still has a serious problem, but that’s something we cover in another post. I urge you to read it.

Further, if you’d like to understand more about what it takes to live free from the lies and allure of pornography, you want to visit our Hot Topic page featuring FREE resources for living free from porn.

Finally, we’re Answering Your Sex Questions in this LoveEd playlist on our FMUniversity YouTube channel.




A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.

That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:

  • Discern God’s will for your dating life.
  • Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
  • Date with confidence and clarity.
  • Win the war over sexual temptation.
  • Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.

Learn more here!

[originally published: 4/12/17]