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[updated: 9/23/20]

I know there are far more than five sex lies. After all, let’s face it, sex has become a monstrous hot mess!

How did we get here?

“They tell you sex has become a mess because it was hushed up. But for the last twenty years it has not been hushed up. It has been chattered about all day long. Yet it is still in a mess.

If hushing up had been the cause of the trouble, ventilation would have set it right. But it has not.

I think it is the other way round. I think the human race originally hushed it up because it had become such a mess.”

Do you know who said that?

Perhaps a more surprising question is: “Do you know when it was said?”

Would you believe someone living almost 70 years ago?!

C.S. Lewis includes this observation in his complete treaties on sexual morality in Mere Christianity, first published in 1952, but not even Lewis could have grasped how prophetic his words would become.

In the hopes of bringing a little more clarity to this emotionally charged topic I present The Five Sex Lies.

Sex Lie #1: Sex is my Identity

I urge you to consider that though your sexual urges certainly describe you, they should never define you.


According to scripture we were made in the image of God, a God who has no gonads.

The God of the Bible is nothing like the philandering gods of the Greeks or the multi-bosomed deities of Eastern religions (Gen 1:26-28). Admittedly, Jesus was a man (with the plumbing to prove it), but he taught us that Our Heavenly Father is Spirit (John 4:23-26).

There are many characteristics of God that, because we were made in His image, we are driven to imitate and celebrate.

God is creator, so made in His image we create.

He is relational, so made in His image we long for relationships.

But alas, God is not sexual.

I think it’s incredibly significant to note that sex is a characteristic we share not with the Creator, but with the animals He created. No wonder our sex drive is likened to animal instinct.

“So what?” you ask? Read more in my original guest post over at FaithOnCampus.

Sex Lie #2: Sex is the Ultimate Expression of Love

The unmistakable message of our modern culture is that the right romantic relationship will make all the puzzle pieces of your life fit together. It will end your loneliness, heal your brokenness and secure your happiness. Only in the arms of your one true love you will finally be complete.

No wonder so many search so desperately for their soul mate. No wonder the proclivity to sexualize close relationships has become so prevalent. Who has time for friends when your truest need is for a lover?

This sex lie alone will undermine the overall success of your dating life, and can even sabotage your marriage before your wedding day.

Not convinced? Read the rest of my original guest post over at FaithOnCampus.

Sex Lie #3: Sex is the Reason for Living

Here’s a sex truth: sex can be amazing!

However, here’s a deeper truth: we were made for something bigger. And I mean something bigger besides God. Of course, we were made for Him, but what I’m getting at is something that took me many years to get.

Truth is, we weren’t made for sex anymore than we were made to watch the Super Bowl, eat Godiva chocolate, go skiing in the Rockies, or buy a villa in Paris. All of these things are fine, but they’re all just experiences and we weren’t made primarily for experience.

We were made for something bigger! Much bigger.

Not sure what it is? Read the rest of my original guest post over at FaithOnCampus.

Sex Lie #4: Sex is Simple

This one is personal to me, because…

This Sex Lie controlled me until my 30s and discovering the truth behind it empowered me not only to break my addiction to porn, but to end the reign of sexual fantasy over my thought life!

In short, I finally grasped what was actually driving my sex drive.

Now it’s possible, that prior to reading this post you thought the answer to that question was perfectly obvious. So simple we teach it to children in Junior High. (Or is it kindergarten now?)

Teacher: “Sex is a natural function of the body and an enjoyable activity. Now, who’d like to help me put a condom on this banana? Where’s the banana? OK, who took the banana? Billy! You get over here and – Billy you spit that banana out right now!”

Is that it? Is that what drives our sex drive: animal instinct and the pursuit of pleasure? (Hungry? Have a banana. Horny? Have sex!)

Whether you happen to be hungry or horny (or both) at the moment, read the rest of my original guest post over at FaithOnCampus.

Sex Lie #5: Sex is the Reason for Marriage

Tattoo these three truths on your brain:

Unless you understand those three short little sentences, your future marriage will wind up becoming an enormous disappointment. So ponder them. Commit them to memory. Share them with family, friends, even strangers.

Am I saying, then, that if all you want is sex, just enjoy sex?

Actually, I suggest something else entirely in my original guest post over at FaithOnCampus.

I encourage you to read at least one of the above posts referenced over at FaithOnCampus. I put as much care into those posts as I do for our own Date Night Advice blog. Or if you prefer your truth in video check out the LoveEd series, Premarital Sex & the Scriptures on our FMU YouTube channel.

DNA: It’s What’s For Dating

Dug this weekend’s DNA? Be a good friend and share with your friends on the social media platform of choice: Instagram, Youtube, Facebook, or Twitter.

The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE you fall in love!

It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.

Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.

Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!

[originally published on: 6/11/14]