Should you move in together? Is cohabitation a good idea?
Perhaps a more basic question is whether premarital sex is OK.
Of course, adultery is 1 of the 10 commandments, but premarital sex is not. So in this episode of LoveEd we look at what the Bible really says about it.
That said, some consider moving in together as a way of moving toward marriage. If that’s you or someone you know, check out the excerpt below, drawn right from our latest book, Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide.
Why Cohabitation Doesn’t Prepare You for Marriage
As you know, the point of the marriage ceremony is exchanging the marriage vows, and the point of the marriage vows is entering the marriage covenant, and the marriage covenant is basically the commitment of all human commitments.
Subsequently, the marriage covenant is the defining characteristic of a healthy, vibrant marriage. Indeed, all the benefits of marriage are supposed to be the fruit of the lifetime commitment on the part of both individuals to love, honor, and cherish one another.
But what’s the point of cohabitation? If we’re honest, the whole reason someone would choose to cohabit instead of marry is because they expressly don’t want to commit for life. At least not yet. Maybe in the future, yes, but for now they want “an out.”
Some just want to play house. Many see the benefit of having a roommate (with benefits). But even in those situations where the couple is seriously wanting to move toward marriage, it’s still not about committing. It’s about testing the relationship to see if the relationship should lead to marriage.
While this way of “testing” a relationship ahead of marriage may now be considered the norm—and it is (70% of couples now cohabit ahead of marriage)—it’s still not about commitment.
Sure you can commit to cohabiting long-term, but you can’t compare a “long-term commitment” to a lifetime commitment. And, frankly, compared to a lifetime commitment, even a five-year commitment is not a long-term commitment.
So what if you get along fabulously cohabiting for six months or even six years? Many married couples do the same. Six months simply can’t tell you how well you’ll get along after six years, and six years can’t tell you how well you’ll get along for the rest of your life.
To be clear, marriage is not about testing a relationship but about testing yourself. It’s about finding out what you’re really made of and who you really want to be. It’s not about “trying out” a relationship but about a relationship “trying you,” refining you, maturing you, and strengthening you.
What Courtship and Cohabitation Have in Common
Starting in the 1990s, many (but not all) in the courtship movement determined they would wait until they believed they should marry someone before they dated them, so they more or less made the marriage commitment up front.
A lot of pressure for that first cup of coffee, right? Do you shop for rings on the second date? Or play it safe, and wait for the third? Or do the parents pick out the rings?
Curiously, couples who hold off on that first date until they’re convinced they have found the person they will marry have much in common with couples who wait to cohabit until they think they’re going to get married. Because couples in both categories are trying to predict something they really can’t, and in doing so, they presume upon the future. They’re assuming they’ll eventually marry, without actually committing to do so. And in their presumption, they often act “committed” or “married” in ways they shouldn’t (whether those acts involve shopping for rings or jumping in the sack prematurely).
[Again, the above post is an excerpt right from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. I wrote it to empower YOU to grow spiritually and date wisely so you can marry well. Check out the book and video curriculum here.]
