If you’re looking for someone with whom you could build a life-giving, lifelong marriage, you want to discern the answer to the question, “Are you compatible?
However, while sharing compatibility is essential in core areas of identity, sharing differences in personality, tastes, and perspective can make a relationship come alive.
That is, if you know how to get along with such differences.
Do you?
That’s what we discuss in this LoveEd video.
Keep on reading for a generous helping of the juicy wholesome goodness on compatibility you’ll find in our latest book and video curriculum, Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide.
DTP Talk #7: Compatibility
As you’re gathering the facts about your date, learning about their interests, identity, values, and convictions, it’s only natural (and logical and wise) to consider how compatible your own interests, identity, values, and convictions are with the person you’re dating.
In fact, in addition to the criterion we’ve already covered in our first four DTP talks, there are numerous dimensions in which you might want to be compatible with someone you would consider spending the rest of your life with. Here are just a few:
- Religious beliefs and traditions
- Exercise and dietary expectations, disciplines, and restrictions
- Career aspirations and priorities
- Financial priorities and perspective
- Communication patterns and expectations
- Social temperaments, preferences, and expectations
- Family background and traditions
- Marital roles and expectations
- Parenting aspirations, roles, and expectations
Again, even though we list all the above under the heading of one Define The Person Talk, please understand it should take you many talks over the course of many dates—perhaps many months—to cover all of the aforementioned topics both thoroughly, yet naturally.
Further clarification: the above isn’t a checklist. It’s not even comprehensive. It’s merely meant to open your mind to the vast array of compatibilities (or incompatibilities) possible in a dating relationship.
The goal isn’t to be “compatible” in every area. That’s not going to happen. With anyone.
However, wherever you aren’t compatible in marriage you will have to make compromises or you will have to expect conflict.
When it comes to casual, noncommitted, or distant relationships you can just avoid areas of incompatibility, but a healthy marriage is neither casual, noncommitted, nor distant, so these are your only options when it comes to every area of possible compatibility:
- Compatible
- Compromise
- Conflict
Compatibility Is Not Everything
In the more sophisticated dating apps (i.e., not the swipe-right-for-a-hook-up apps) compatibility is king. In fact, eHarmony, one of the biggest dating apps around, measures twenty-nine different areas of compatibility. You can look that list up online if you like, but in the event that you are actually able to find someone with whom you match up with in twenty-nine different areas of compatibility, I have just two things to say to you:
- Congratulations on winning the relational lottery.
- It will be the thirtieth area that’s going to kill you.
Again, no couple is compatible in everything. Not even if they are identical twins. In which case they shouldn’t be getting married at all.
No, not even if the Supreme Court decides they can.
I don’t say that to discourage you from finding out where you are and aren’t compatible with the person you’re dating but to discourage you from expecting a whole host of compatibilities to guarantee a successful relationship. Because though compatibility can make a relationship easier and more enjoyable, it does not ensure relationship permanence.
The Right Reason to Seek Compatibility
The desire for compatibility can be inspired by many motivations. Here are three common ones, but only one of them is the right motivator.
Selfishness: This motivation says, “I don’t want my dating relationship (or future marriage) to be uncomfortable.” Sign that selfishness is your motivation: you seek and desire compatibility in areas that make the relationship easier and more enjoyable for you. In fact, this motivation will have a checklist feel to it, where every box begins with “I like…”
- I like football and they like football.
- I like riding bikes and they like riding bikes.
- I like tacos and they like tacos.
- I like to kiss and they like to kiss.
- I like what I like and they like what I like.
Fear: This motivation says, “I don’t want my dating relationship (or future marriage) to be unsuccessful.” Sign that fear is your motivation: you seek and desire compatibility in everything.
Of course, no one wants their dating relationship to be unsuccessful, but success can’t be guaranteed in any dating relationship. In other words…
Success is outside your ability to secure, but being responsible about who you date, when you start dating them, and how you carry out your dating relationship are choices you get to make.
Which leads us to the right reason to seek compatibility.
Wisdom: This motivation says, “I don’t want my dating relationship (or future marriage) to be irresponsible.” Sign that wisdom is your motivation: you seek and require compatibility in areas that spring out of your core identity and convictions.
Compatibility Is Not About Sameness
Important note: You aren’t looking for a carbon copy of yourself. You’re looking for an effective counterpart to yourself. You don’t want a relationship in which you mirror each other, but one in which you complement and mature one another.
For perspective, look to other relationships where compatibility is important: an effective team, a successful company, or a thriving church. Then look for a dating partner with whom your compatibility serves a higher purpose.
The Limits of Compatibility
If compatibility is what holds your relationship together, then what happens when incompatibilities surface over time? Because they will. Trust me!
As the years have passed, Julie and I continually learn new things about each other. And some of those things have revealed incompatibilities we could have never seen until we learned those things. Likewise…
If compatibility is what holds your relationship together, what happens when someone changes? Because you will! We all do.
In some ways, Julie is the same girl I married in college, but in many ways, she is nothing like that college girl. She has matured, developed, mellowed, and toughened in ways I could have never foreseen.
So, though I would still affirm today that Julie and I are well matched, I can also attest that we work well together less because of our “perfect compatibility” and more because we serve a higher purpose than marital satisfaction.
In light of that reality, my prayer is that you will know and serve and delight in a higher purpose than your own personal satisfaction right now as you read the final words of this chapter. And in doing so, you will be preparing for a life-giving, life-long marriage.
[The above post is an excerpt right from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. I wrote it to empower YOU to grow spiritually and date wisely so you can marry well. Check out the book and video curriculum here. Or watch this video and THEN click the previous link.]
