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Gandalf the Grey made a startling declaration this week outside the headquarters of Hobbiton Jewelers.

“At long last, sexual purity is no longer a prize you must fight for, but a prize you only need wear,” and then raising his staff dramatically he cried out, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS SEXUAL BOUNDARIES!”

The Grey Wizard was referring to the Purity Ring of Power which the jewelry dwarfs forged in the fires of Mount Groom, in the heart of Mormore.

“For what good comes from learning to fight temptation?” queried Gandalf, “How has struggle ever developed someone’s character?”

In addition to ending the reign of sexual temptation over the people of Middle-earth, according to official reports, the Purity Ring of Power also guarantees future sexual compatibility in marriage.

“And this is perhaps the most glorious quality of the ring,” continued the wizard, “its power to guide the bearer to the right person at the right time.”

The Grey Pilgrim explained that the Purity Ring of Power is engraved with the following (s)elfish message which only becomes visible in the heat of the moment of meeting one’s soul mate for the first time:

One ring to keep them pure, One ring to find “The One,” One ring, marriage ensures, along with bedroom fun.

The Spokesdwarf for the Middle-earth Forging Guild (MFG) attested that if the ring bearer longs for early marriage, their ring will draw to itself the perfect engagement ring by spring of one’s senior year of college.

But the ring also accommodates the wishes of the career-minded who want to finish twelve years of grad school and secure their dream job before getting serious about marriage. It accomplishes this by effectively repressing the sex drive of the bearer until the wedding date, making abstinence not only easy, but even more enjoyable than sex.

Still more remarkably, even in the event of delayed marriage, the ring promises the bearer the precise number of children desired. After marriage, of course.

We wants it, we do!” said one older single present at the press conference. “We wants our precious! And then we wants all our little precious-es!”

However, some voiced concerns. “One does not simply walk into sexual compatibility,” said Boromir Sonofadoubter, representative of WWTPIKDGRITK.

“Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks,” retorted Gandalf, “I’m not trying to rob you! I’m trying to help you.” But then he softened. “We know the last time a ring of power was forged things didn’t turn out so well,” he admitted, “but that ring was forged in the fires of Mount Doom. That name alone should have been a red flag. Plus the original Ring of Power was made to control the destiny of everyone. Not just the ring bearer. We’ve definitely learned our lesson there!”

In contrast, Hobbiton Jewelers promises to forge a Purity Ring of Power for every Christian who wants God to give them what they want, the way they want it, when they want it.

In response, one ruggedly-dressed, bearded hipster present at the announcement declared, “Certainty of sexual bliss in marriage. Small chance of falling to temptation? What are we waiting for?!”

The Relational Reporter: unreal stories. real truth. really funny.

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Sexual Purity takes MORE than a Ring

Making a commitment to obey scriptural teaching in any area of life is commendable, but Ecclesiastes 5:5 declares. “It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay.”

That said, the power to walk in sexual purity will never be found in supernatural jewelry, but only in submission to Jesus Holy Spirit. To help there, we have an entire Hot Topic page dedicated to sexual purity.

And over on our FMUniversity YouTube channel we have several LoveEd video series to help you understand God’s gift of sexuality and walk in sexual wholeness. Begin with one of these:

Premarital Sex & the Scriptures


TOP10 Benefits of Saving Sex for Marriage

The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE you fall in love!

It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.

Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.

Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!