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[updated: 8/19/19]

Barry Naive can hardly believe his wedding day is almost here, but it’s more than the fact that he’ll be marrying “the hottest girl he, like, ever dated ever.” What truly excites him is the end of his life-long struggle with lust.

“It began when I was nine,” related Naive. “That’s when I first saw pornography in a popup ad.”

That first exposure led to a pattern of seeking out porn and acting out sexually. But Naive’s struggle with lust quickly outgrew the internet.

“If it would have just stayed online, that would have been manageable. After all, I can’t look at porn 24-7, right?” Naive continued, “But those images, and the way they presented sexuality, got into my head and completely distorted the way I view women. Even the woman of my dreams. Who is hot as fire, by the way!”

However, this Saturday Naive will marry Shay Ottarun, the “hot as fire” woman of his dreams, and in the span of a magical half-hour ceremony he believes he’ll finally see the end of 13 years of deeply-ingrained, hyper-sexualized behavior.

In fact, Naive and Ottarun acknowledged his struggle has made it a challenge for them to maintain sexual purity, admitting that they’ve “fallen a little” more than once.

“Even just last night after watching Game of Thrones together – which is a weekly tradition for us – we totally messed up big time,” confessed Ottarun regretfully.

“But how can I help myself when she’s hotter than any medieval maiden I’ve ever met?!” interjected Naive, laughing off the tension.

Indeed, sexual tension seems to define their relationship. But…

Instead of seeing their inability to walk in obedience to God’s will for sexual purity as cause for concern, they see it as evidence that it’s God’s will for them to go ahead and get married.

“After all, the Bible says it’s better to marry than to burn with passion, right?” reasoned Naive, who added thoughtfully, “Of course, if I’m honest, I have to say that after fantasizing about literally thousands of different girls, it’s hard to imagine how I could suddenly find complete satisfaction with just one woman for the rest of my life. Even one as hot as my little fire fox, Shay.”

Indeed, many men discover defeating lust requires years of growing in spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible study, and confession motivated by faith in a God who’s own victory over sin took Him all the way to the cross. Others have to unpack the hurt and the choices of their past, to deal with temptation and sin in the present.

But Naive and Ottarun don’t see all that effort and sacrifice as necessary in their situation. Instead, they believe the vows they make this Saturday will change Naive “from the inside out.”

“I guess you could say we kinda view the marriage vows like magic words,” declared Ottarun.

To which Naive added, “And then there’s the fact that she’s so hot!”

The wedding will be held at the Independent Baptist Church of Westeros. Attendees are encouraged to come dressed in medieval attire. Game of Thrones-inspired wedding feast to follow in Fellowship Hall.

The Relational Reporter: unreal stories. real truth. really funny.

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Marriage won’t Stop the Burn

In the book of 1 Cor, Paul does indeed declare it is better to marry than to burn, but that passage is often quoted out of context to justify marriages between lovers who simply haven’t learned self control.

And since ill-advised marriages often begin with ill-advised dating, watch this LoveEd video from the series: Stuff You Should Know Before You Date, on our FMUniversity YouTube channel! In it we reveal why sexual boundaries often fail.

Then check out one of the Date Night Advice (DNA) posts below. The first explains what Paul was really trying to say about marrying instead of burning. The second is for you who simply want to figure out how to burn less and truly love more.

Is it Better to Marry than to Burn?

Do you know a Christian couple struggling to reign in their sexual passions? Should they just go ahead and get married?

The Apostle Paul seems to say as much, as he writes in 1 Cor 7:9, “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

But hold up! Is this what Paul meant? “You two kids sexually on fire? Just get married! BOOM! Problem solved!!”

I see this passage used this way all the time. In fact, just this month someone referenced this verse in a comment on our facebook page to justify eloping. (Como say what?!)

But the fact of the matter is this: Paul’s words were not originally addressing the question, “Should a couple struggling to reign in their sexual passions just go ahead and get married?”

What was the Original Question? [Read More]

Tired of Fighting Sexual Temptation?

Are you weary of fighting your relentless sex drive?

Perhaps you’re tired of trying to keep your dating life pure? Or, more to the point, tired of trying and then failing. And trying and failing. Again and again.

Would you like to fail less?

Or perhaps you aren’t currently dating, but are struggling with sexual fantasy (and porn? and more?). In that case, would you like to equip yourself to win the battle over sexual temptation BEFORE you start dating; ready to walk in consistent freedom instead of constant failure?

Whichever place you find yourself, this is the post for you. [Read More]

The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE you fall in love!

It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.

Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.

Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!

[originally published: November 8, 2017]