What could be more important than sexual compatibility in your future marriage? After all, this particular “compatibility” seems to have become the logical justification behind the need for lovebirds to engage in sexually stimulating activities before marriage; even Bible-believing, Holy-Spirit-filled lovebirds.
The question seems paralyzing to many: “How can you tell if you’re sexually compatible before marriage if you never have sex till after marriage?”
For clarification, by “sexual compatibility” I’m not talking about mere sexual attraction. You shouldn’t have to engage in sexual activity to gauge that. I’m talking about the apparent supremely important need for your own unique sexual cravings to be met in every nuance by your partner, even as you meet theirs in perfect harmony.
Can I be honest with you?
This intensity of concern for sexual compatibility would make me laugh if it didn’t expose such a devastating misunderstanding of what marriage – and for that matter, relationships – are all about.
Are you equally concerned about your “financial compatibility?” You’ll share a lot more time earning, spending and saving money together then you will share together under the sheets. Do you think “make-up” sex can make up for the stress of a job loss, or an unplanned pregnancy. Or a job loss after an unplanned pregnancy? Where would we even come up with such an idea: from in-depth research of marriage and family dynamics? (Counselor: “Well if you want to make all your money problems go away, you clearly need to have more sex! You can pay my assistant on the way out.”)
What about “parenting compatibility?” If you think conflict about who gets to be on top can get ugly you can’t begin to imagine what warfare will be waged by two lovers who can’t agree about how to handle little Jimmy’s first “F” in first grade. No one’s getting to first base after that argument.
And don’t forget:
- In-law compatibility: You really do marry the family when you marry the person – no like seriously – you really do.
- Sleep-pattern compatibility: Sex isn’t the only thing you’ll share in bed. Are they a snorer? Bed hog? Night owl? Early bird?
- Career compatibility: At some point – perhaps many – one partner’s career advancement will impede the career advancement of the other partner.
- Need I go on?
Sexual compatibility is FUN, THRILLING, FABULOUS! But it pales in comparison to the mutual determination on the part of both partners to meet the needs of the other, day-in and day-out, especially when the big challenges rock your relationship.
I know a married man whose wife contracted breast cancer. She experienced such a loss of libido after surgery that they haven’t had sex in over a decade. Viagra can’t fix that. Ask him about their sexual compatibility. Even if they had “test driven” each other prior to marriage, those “joy rides” couldn’t have told them that their sexual compatibility would have an expiration date.
Should my friend divorce his wife? Find someone else who can meet his needs?
Of course not. Unforeseen adversities like this are why we share a marriage covenant at all. Marriage isn’t about sex. This couple is on a mission from God, serving others, growing in Christ-likeness and pursuing God’s pleasure, instead of their own. In fact, their marriage relationship is an inspiration to many, almost none of whom have any knowledge of their current “lack of sexual compatibility.”
As much as you may long for sexual ecstasy, wouldn’t you like a marriage that impacted others like this; especially your children and their children?
Now, of course, no couple wants to get married and then discover that the sexual experience is not everything they always hoped, but the sad truth is that in our culture that disappointment is all but guaranteed.
“How,” You ask?
The real question is, “Where?” But we’ll get to that next week when we pose the unasked question: From where do we derive our ideas of what sexual compatibility should look like anyway?
Date Night Advice series: TOP10 Dumbest Reasons to Date
Dumb Reason #2: Sexual Intercourse
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
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The LoveEd study guide series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE! It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. Check out the first two 8-lesson study guides in our store. You can walk through it on your own, but it’s more fun with friends, so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study. Even better? And ask a married couple you respect to lead it!
