Though the sexual predatory behavior exhibited by Steve Harrington isn’t appropriate behavior for a gentleman, much less a follower of Christ, at least it makes sense. What guy can’t identify with wanting to go after what he wants?
However, what has puzzled me in the past, is why girls put up with it. Why do the Nancy Wheelers of the world give into bad boys like Steve, guys with whom they share no significant relationship at all, much less any commitment?
This question is especially troubling for a father of teenage daughters, like me. I not only care deeply for my girls, I care about their friends.
More importantly, though I may have never met you, I care about you. That’s why I took the time to write this post. Whether you be a girl or boy, good or bad, I want to urge you to honor your body, and the bodies of others.
That said, after 15 years of studying sex, dating and relationships, I have come up with several reasons why good girls (both young and old) give into sexual advances from bad boys.
#1: They like feeling desired.
Who doesn’t want to be wanted? Doesn’t that make you special? Chosen?
I get that desire to be desired, but here’s what I wish I could sit down and tell every daughter of God, “A man’s interest in your body does not necessarily indicate interest in you.”
This is so hard to believe, because in the heat of the moment (regardless of gender) our hearts will often interpret someone’s sexual interest as love. And that isn’t some bazaar connection, because love is precisely what sex inside the covenant of marriage is supposed to symbolize and facilitate. It’s why it’s called “making love.” But…
Without a life-long commitment, someone’s sexual interest in your body is not love. It’s merely desire.
That is a kind of love, but not the kind of love you’re wanting it to be.
A healthy person wants to be admired like a sunset, not like a sports car. They want to be enjoyed like a good friend, not for a good time. They want to be loved, honored and cherished, not lusted after, undressed and consumed.
That said, if a guy has made a woman the object of his desire, that still makes her an object.
Yet, male or female, you are so much more than an object. You are a soul made in God’s image, given a body to glorify Him. Indeed, contrary to our culture which encourages you to find your worth in your body, it is actually your soul Christ died for, that your flesh might be redeemed.
That said, a real man who truly cares about a woman will honor her more than desire her. And he’ll prove his intentions by acting honorably toward her and controlling his baser nature.
#2: They believe giving in will get them something.
OK, so desire isn’t love, but some ladies reason if they give a guy something he desires (namely their body), he’ll give them something they desire. And usually that “something” is love.
But in the words of Inigo Montoya, “I’m not sure that word means what you think it means,” because…
You can’t give anything to get love – not sex, money, honor, or sacrifice – because love by its very definition must be freely given and freely received.
Whatever your gender, if you’re not sure you understand or believe that, please read this post.
#3: She’s got the Power
Of course not every girl is looking for love in the arms of a boy. Some women actually despise men as a species. Or at least look down on them.
And many of those women have bought into the idea that using their sex appeal is a way to exert power over men.
It makes even good girls feel powerful to catch the eye of a boy. Especially a bad boy.
And the illusion of power only grows when that boy makes his intentions to have said girl as his own.
But there’s a tragic irony here, because people who are truly powerful don’t need the attention of those they control. They don’t need to flaunt their power and they most certainly don’t need to give into unwanted pressure (sexual or otherwise) from those under their control. (Kinda defeats the whole purpose of power, doesn’t it?)
Male or female, it is only people who feel insecure who flaunt their “so called” power.
Next week I’ll share four more reasons why good girls give in.
But for now, consider whether any of these reasons lie behind your desire to be desired.
Date Night Advice (DNA) series: Sexual Things
Episode 6: Why Good Girls like Bad Boys
Click here for the next post in the series.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
Dug this weekend’s DNA? Be a good friend and share with your friends on the social media platform of choice: Instagram, Youtube, Facebook, or Twitter.
The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE you fall in love!
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!
