Want to feel close to someone?
Make out with them.
Actually, forget that. You don’t have to make out. You don’t even have to touch! Scientific studies show activities as simple as staring into one another’s eyes for several minutes can increase feelings of closeness.
The key word there is: feelings. As in “feelings of closeness.”
So if you’re content with feelings; if you’re all about the heat of the moment, you can stop reading this post right now. It’s not for you.
But if you’ve decided a lifetime is a long time to live jumping from moment to moment and you actually want to be close to someone; then you need to get to know them.
And if you want to find out if they’re the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want to get to know them very well. Indeed, there’s so much you want to get to know, you simply don’t have time to mess around with wasting… I mean you don’t have time to waste messing around.
To be more specific, here are ten different subjects that can keep you too busy getting to know someone, to be getting busy with them:
1. Common Interests
As long as you’re connected at the lips, you feel like you share common interests. At least you are interested in each other. And each other’s lips. And maybe other body parts.
But contrary to popular belief, non-stop make-out-a-thons do not make for healthy relationships, so you want to get to know what interests your date. What do they like to spend their time doing? What makes them think? What gets them excited? For great questions to help you learn your dates interests, click here.
2. Source of Identity
At the end of the day, you want to date someone who’s identity is securely rooted, because if it’s not, your lover is going to be looking to you to help them.
Being the source of someone else’s identity is pretty fun at first, but it grows tiring, stressful and suffocating fairly quickly.
For great questions to help you discover where your date finds their identity, click here.
3. Values
When your date looks like a supermodel, especially through beer goggles, it’s easy to think, “What are values really? I mean; they seem like a good person. They certainly look good. Good enough to eat! Mmmmmmm.”
Don’t fall for the ridiculous lie that you can share an epic relationship with someone who doesn’t share your most important values. Instead, avoid your next mistake!
4. Convictions
Yes. If your date has a criminal record, you should know. But I’m not talking about those kinds of convictions.
However, most people don’t honestly know their own convictions. They only know their values. Unfortunately, the two are not the same. To understand the critical differences and why they matter, click here.
Once you know your own convictions, then you can begin to discern your date’s. That is, if you can keep your tongue in your own mouth and use it to engage in conversation that leads to this kind of mutual understanding.
5. Compatibility
In today’s culture you might be tempted to believe the only compatibility you need is sexual compatibility, and if that were true, then making out might be a worthwhile endeavor instead of a hazardous diversion.
Truth? There is a lot more to compatibility. In fact, one internet dating site claims to match people up in 29 different dimensions of compatibility, which must mean that there are at least 29 different ways to be INcompatible. So keep a Bible width apart from your date and find out how you fit together in more important ways.
6. Calling
So compatibility goes beyond sexual, but here’s the deal: if you find someone with whom you match up in 29 different dimensions, it’s the 30th dimension that’s going to kill you.
What I’m saying is this. Compatibility (sexual or otherwise) has its limits, because marriage is for two people who want to become one, not because they’re so much alike already, but because they’re called. How do you discern whether you’ve found someone with a common calling? Stop looking for your perfect match and look for a fire!
7. Chemistry
Of course, you probably didn’t need me to tell you this, but chemistry is important. However…
Chemistry is about so much more than true love’s kiss (or true love’s make out session).
In fact, if you refuse to reign in the physical contact, you could think you have chemistry with someone with whom you only share romantic or sexual passion (or tension).
Our advice? Think about the best friend you’ve never French kissed. That’s the kind of chemistry you need in someone you promise to live with, love and cherish for life.
8. Commitment
OK! Pop quiz: What’s the main thing that sets a marriage relationship apart from every other? Is it:
A. a lifetime commitment
B. a lifetime commitment
C. a lifetime commitment
Perhaps you were thinking it was:
D. guilt-free sex
E. endless marital bliss
F. something else you thought marriage was supposed to deliver
If so, please understand this. All the benefits of marriage are supposed to be the fruit of a lifetime commitment on the part of both individuals to love, serve and honor one another. The entire point of the marriage ceremony is exchanging the marriage vows and the whole point of the marriage vows is the commitment.
So, if you’re dating someone who’s not so good with commitment, BEWARE! (Even if they’re a good kisser. Especially if they’re a good kisser.) For guidance in discerning the commitment level of your date click here.
9. Reputation
Why is it that when a guy has a reputation it’s good, but when a girl gets a reputation, it’s bad?
Regardless, a person gains a reputation for a reason, so save the speaking in tongues and laying on of hands for later. You first need to discover if you can trust this person. If you will do this, you can stop heartbreak before it starts.
10. Character
The saying goes, “‘character’ is who you are when no one’s watching,” but how are you supposed to find out who someone is “when no one’s watching” if you’re watching them? By knowing the questions you need to answer about your date without asking.
Take Your Time and Keep Your Hands to Yourself!
So there ya go! That’s a lot of stuff to discover on a first date.
So take a few months (better yet, a year) and get to know who your date truly is. Let this be the purpose and glory of dating, and save the making out for marriage when you don’t have to confess to your accountability partner.
See something I missed? Does this raise other questions for you? Please comment below. Next week we talk about the little word “might” in the definition of purpose-driven dating below.
This post is one in a series on Purpose-Driven Dating which we define as follows: Intentional time invested in one other person for the purpose of growing in intimacy that might lead to a life-giving, life-long marriage. Our current focus: …for the purpose of growing in intimacy… The series begins with this post.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
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The LoveEd study guide series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE! It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. Check out the first two 8-lesson study guides in our store. You can walk through it on your own, but it’s more fun with friends, so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study. Even better? And ask a married couple you respect to lead it!
