But first two ground rules:
- Let’s agree there are many factors contributing to the problem of delayed marriage. Indeed, in this current Date Night Advice (DNA) series we’ve already discussed how your mom, your dad, or pornography could be killing your future (or current) hopes for marriage. And there’s more to come in this series!
- Let’s agree not all feminists are alike. Some believers in feminism (perhaps you) may not support certain beliefs I attribute to their cause, but that doesn’t negate the fact that many feminists do proudly hold to every position referenced below.
Now to addressing whether feminism is going to keep you single. Here are four questions you want to consider.
#1: Will you give your body away for free (or for a meal or drinks or a third date)?
Many feminists celebrate a concept of “sexual freedom” based on the belief that women can be just like men in pursuing sexual pleasure. And not only that you can pursue sex like a man, but that you should!
But as the Father of two precious girls (19 and 21) I would urge you to regard your body not as a tool you have a right to use as you wish, but as a treasure you have a responsibility to care for according to the guidelines of your Creator.
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. – 1 Cor 6:19-21
(I actually have a lot more to say about the wonder of your body in another DNA series entitled: The Naked Truth about Your Body.)
Now, I understand that when a man desires you sexually it can make you feel quite special. If he desires you badly it can make you feel even more special. And if many men desire you badly you can feel quite powerful. Indeed, many feminists boast in that power, like with the past Superbowl Half-clothed Show featuring Shakira & J Lo.
But when you think about it, this misplaced idea of femininity not only objectifies women, but literally bases their worth on the opinions of men. Not only does this go against the values of feminism, it goes against scripture.
For a woman’s worth is bestowed, not by a male counterpart, but by her Creator!
So take care not to be seduced by this distortion of your true value. Not only is it objectifying and unbiblical, it’s also likely to keep you single.
To help you understand how, I’m going to refer to the popular, but derogatory adage: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I generally don’t refer to women as animals (least of all cows), but I reference this saying to help you understand that the kind of man who wants your body without giving you his heart is treating you like a cow.
I suppose being treated like an animal is better than being treated like an abject, but you, dear one, are no cow. You are a child of God, made in His image with a living soul which longs for pleasures cows could never understand. Things like love, honor, and intimacy.
That said, if you want to meet the deeper desires God planted in your soul, you can’t merely follow your instincts like an animal. You must follow wisdom like an image-bearer.
Do you just want to be with a man? Offering him your body will generally do the trick. In the moment. However…
If you want to be with a man who will love, honor, and cherish you until you (or he) passes on, then you must determine to wait for a man who will commit to doing precisely that before you give him your body.
Even if you see all your friends out there “getting the guys” while you’re at home alone.
Trust me! The guys are “getting them.”
Those men want your priceless body for free.
Maybe they’ll give you sexual pleasure in return. Maybe they won’t. But don’t expect them to give you a ring.
Men who just want to get to the sex want a sex partner. Men who have set their sights on the higher calling of marriage will endeavor to honor your body. I urge you to do the same thing.
#2: Will you fight for a 50-50 relationship?
Fighting for equal rights as a human being, I applaud. Moreover, I’m sorry that throughout history, women have had to fight for recognition of their equal birthright before God.
However, as wondrous a goal as equality is, fighting for it in a long-term committed relationship will not work. Instead the 50-50 objective, where everything has to be equal, inspires a “score-keeping” mentality where the responsibilities and privileges of those in the relationship are constantly measured and compared against each other. (The key word being “against” each other.)
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. – James 4:1-3
A healthy relationship is comprised of members who believe they’re on the same team, scoring together, as they fight a common opponent. Not fighting each other.
That said, if you find yourself in a relationship where you don’t sense your partner is pulling their weight – or if you constantly find yourself in relationships like that – then you need to talk with someone who knows and loves you well to see if you need to adjust your expectations or your standards. Because either your relationship expectations are too high and you’re wanting to be treated more like a princess than a partner, or your dating standards are too low causing you to attract tools instead of potential teammates.
Either way, that is likely to keep you single.
#3: Will you put your career first?
One of the main thrusts of feminism is equal representation across the board in every category of every career field. Or at least in those categories and career fields considered “important.” (I haven’t heard of feminists fighting for greater representation in male-dominated fields like road construction, garbage collection, plumbing, or roofing. But I digress.)
Because of this, our colleges are filled mostly with women now.
Am I saying that’s a bad thing?
No! My two daughters are enrolled in college right now and I couldn’t be more happy for them! I believe they’re passionately chasing after God’s call on their lives. And I believe many other women are in college for that same reason!
However, consider this: in the past a man generally worked to provide for a wife and kids, often expecting to be the sole bread-winner. So while the purpose of a man’s college education was to prepare him for a career, the greater goal of a man’s career was to provide for a family.
That might sound quaint or old fashion to some, but there’s certainly nothing misogynistic about a man being willing, and even committed to doing what it takes to pay the bills for an entire family unit.
In contrast, the feminist goal of higher education has never been to prepare a woman to take care of a husband, but to take care of herself, and if necessary, take care of children, without needing a man. To put it plainly, the goal of a feminist’s college education is not marriage, but independence.
You may see this as a noble ideal. It’s certainly an American ideal.
But it is not a communal ideal. More to the point, it’s not preparing you for the communal institution of marriage.
And it might just keep you single.
To be clear, the problem is not college. The problem is putting your desires for career ahead of your desires for marriage. Now, are men guilty of putting career ahead of marriage and family? YES! In fact…
I believe feminists have adopted the broken values of men who have forsaken their family to serve their career.
Be that as it may, the reality is that in our culture a steady income and career future makes a man more marriageable than a guy living in his mom’s basement, but the reverse simply isn’t as true.
One very simple reason is this: we don’t live in a culture where most men are looking for women to take care of them financially. If we did, then a career-first mindset would make sense for women who longed for marriage. Just like it always has for men.
But we don’t live in a world like that, so if you desire marriage in your future, you want to learn how to keep your career aspirations from crowding out your marital hopes.
Again, I tell men to do this same thing. Family should be the TOP priority for both husband and wife. Period.
But whereas a man’s idolization of his career is more likely to destroy his marriage sometime after the wedding day, a woman’s idolization of her career is more likely to keep her from ever seeing her wedding day.
#4: Will you judge all men by the dishonor of the minority?
Sadly, there are many members of the He-Man Women-Haters club out there. Add to that all the men who “love” women, but really only for what they can do for them; more often than not, sexual things they can do for them.
It’s enough to drive a woman to despair.
But if you want to stay single, simply make your disdain for the male species clear, by saying things like, “Men are good for nothing,” or “They’re like animals,” or even constantly asking, “Where are all the good men?”
I know you might imagine that the “good men” would want to rise to your challenge. And maybe, if captivated by your physical beauty, some might, just like in your favorite romance, but…
Wise men who know they are called to the mission of marriage are looking for a partner who will respect and honor not only them, but human beings in general (men included).
Those guys know to steer clear of women with pent up bitterness of any kind. Particularly the kind leveled at everyone with an X and Y chromosome.
You know the same is true of you in regards to men who are disparaging of women. It’s a red flag that a guy has unresolved emotional issues.
So if you struggle with a low view of men, I encourage you to talk to a couple married women you respect who’s marriages you admire. Find out how they not only found one of the “good guys,” but have managed to grow a life-giving, lifelong marriage with them. And then ask them to pray that you would do the same.
If it’s worth anything, I’m praying for you right now as I type these words, because I believe marriage is an awesome calling where two imperfect humans both learn to die to themselves on behalf of each other, for the glory of God!