Not sure you want to give up your love affair with pornography, but you are sure you want to be married before you reach your 70s? Maybe even before you’re 30*?
If that’s you, you owe it to yourself to answer this important question:
Is porn going to keep you single?
Here are six other questions to lead you to that answer:
Question #1: Will you be able to keep porn from warping your moral character?
[ ] YES?
Wow! Amazing!
Among other negative aspects of pornography (like child porn and human trafficking) 88% of scenes in porn films contain acts of physical aggression. You must have an insane amount of mental discipline to expose yourself to all that kind of perversion, yet keep your character in check.
Of course, if you really have that kind of self-control you might consider putting it to use avoiding the influence of porn altogether.
But hey! If you can play with fire and not get burned, who am I to throw cold water on that flame?
[ ] NO?
Well you wouldn’t be the only one! In fact, I have two friends who’s porn use ultimately put them in federal prison. One was freed just last month. After 10 years. (Though I’m not sure how “free” he would tell you he feels.) The other is probably there for life.
Put simply, the destructive power of pornography is potent. It can easily turn “good people” into “bad people,” before they know what happened. I am certain neither of my friends could see what porn was doing to them, until it was too late.
That said, even if porn doesn’t land you in prison, it is not going to make you a better person. It certainly won’t prepare you to love, honor, and cherish someone for a lifetime. And it could be preparing you for life-long singleness.
Question #2: Will you be able to keep porn from reprogramming your sex drive?
[ ] YES?
Miraculous! Because many discover pornography hijacks their sex drive from its God-given purpose of pursuing oneness: first with Himself (as we learn our dependence on Him) and then in marriage (for which sexual intimacy was designed).
Instead, they find porn drives them to seek sexual intimacy alone, apart from the spiritual, emotional, and relational intimacy for which it was intended. Which means porn doesn’t lead most to seek God or a spouse, but merely a sex partner (whether real or imagined).
Which means porn most often drives its users to more porn. After all, porn is easy to access and turnkey for turning you on. Whereas seeking God’s will in marriage (as you learn to master your sexual passions) is anything but easy.
[ ] NO?
Then you want to give up pornography before your sex drive is distorted anymore than it already has been.
Let your weakness for porn awaken you to your desperate need for a savior, and let your natural God-given desire for sexual intimacy lead you to seek the oneness of marriage. Which includes sexual intimacy.
Otherwise, continuing to use porn to satiate your sexual passions will likely progressively deaden your desire for marriage.
So you’ll be sexually satisfied. Sort of.
But single. Totally.
Question #3: Will you be able to keep porn from influencing you to objectify people and sexualize relationships?
[ ] YES?
Thank goodness! Because if there’s one thing a healthy person doesn’t want, it’s to be considered little more than a sex toy to be used for someone else’s enjoyment. Even if that someone is their spouse.
Admittedly, many have successfully used pornography as a sort of “sugar substitute” to satisfy their sexual cravings, while they disconnect any sexual feelings they might otherwise feel for real life people they date.
Unfortunately, those same people find it insanely difficult to reconnect healthy sexual attraction to their partner after marriage. So there’s that.
But hey, if you find this is the case in your future marriage, you can just keep using porn for sexual gratification, right?
[ ] NO?
Understood. Most find resistance is futile, when it comes to fighting the gravity of porn’s objectifying and sexualizing nature.
And that’s probably because virtually every pornographic storyline presents people as sex objects (or manipulators of sex objects). And, of course, porn has managed to sexualize any and every situation and relationship imaginable. That’s why they call it sexual fantasy.
So if you’re going to hold onto porn, it’s going to make it hard for you to hold onto a potential marriage partner who wants to be loved wholeheartedly. And that will keep you holding onto your singleness.
Question #4: Do you want to hide your porn habit from your partner until after marriage?
[ ] YES?
Appreciate the honesty. About your intended dishonesty.
I’ll return the favor. If you don’t want to quit porn, but don’t want to stay single, this is your best plan.
However, you should know that over half of all divorces involve one partner having “an obsessive interest in porn websites.” This means that if you do marry and don’t ever put an end to your porn habit (and it won’t be any easier to quit after marriage than before), it’s likely to eventually put an end to your marriage.
Because let’s be real. One day they’re going to find out.
But at least it won’t keep you from getting married at all, right?
[ ] NO?
Well it is possible that your partner may not care about your porn use. Or they may be so desperate to be married they won’t let your porn habit deter them from marrying you. However, for most healthy people who are seriously considering a lifetime marriage commitment, your commitment to porn is likely going to keep them from committing to you. And keep you committed to singleness.
Question #5: Do you expect to find a partner willing to compete with porn for your sexual affections?
[ ] YES?
Wowzers! You’ve got big dreams! Most marry with the understanding (and expectation) that their partner is committing to direct all their romantic and sexual affections toward them only. In fact, the traditional marriage vows explicitly state this.
If you find someone who doesn’t expect you to be entirely satisfied with their body alone, that will be quite the understanding lover!
Then again, a marriage partner’s willingness to let you use porn to pursue sexual satisfaction with others – likely hundreds, even thousands of others – might indicate more of a deficit of self-confidence than it would a generosity of spirit.
[ ] NO?
Yeah. I tend to agree. When it comes to sexual devotion, most people don’t want to share. Not even with porn.
So if you can accept this reality, then I think you know what’s going to happen when anyone you’re dating discovers you’re already in an on-going sexual relationship with porn. You’re going to discover you’re still single.
Question #6: Will you refuse to let porn set your expectations for sex?
[ ] YES?
My goodness! You certainly have an iron will! Because the reality is most people derive virtually all of their expectations for sex from their personal media exposure, usually without realizing what’s happening. In other words, most use the media for their sex education. And this is as true of more “innocent” PG-13 movies and pop music, as it is for pornography.
Again though, if you really have that depth of self-discipline, I’d urge you to direct your energies to ridding your mind of all the sexual input of porn.
[ ] NO?
Hmmmm. So porn is going to be your sexual standard. And one day you hope all your wildest dreams will come true in the arms of your supermodel sex slav… I mean spouse.
Good luck with that, my friend!
Then again, I have to be honest with you. Because even though I don’t know you, my heart is for you. Truly for you!
So here’s the real deal: no one person – no matter how beautiful, charming, or sexually skilled – can meet all the “great sexpectations” shaped by the fantasy land of porn.
Meanwhile, in real life, you’ll still be single.
Did You Past the Porn Test?
So how did you do with those six questions?
If you answered “no” to any one of them, I urge you to put your porn habit decidedly in the past. And we just so happen to have an entire Hot Topic page dedicated to empowering someone like yourself to win your battle for freedom from pornography
On the other hand, if you answered “yes” to all the questions above, you should expect to win the lottery this weekend. And not be taxed on any of that money. And have the check delivered by Elvis. In an Iron Man suit.
Lastly, if you’d like to understand on a deeper level How Porn Can Keep You Single, check out our LoveEd series of the same title, on our FMUniversity YouTube channel.
* average age at first marriage is currently 28 for females and 30 for males
Date Night Advice (DNA) series: Is This Going to Keep You Single?
Part 3: Is Porn Going to Keep You Single?
Click here for the next post in the series.
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! Here are excerpts from that very book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
- Discern God’s will for your dating life.
- Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
- Date with confidence and clarity.
- Win the war over sexual temptation.
- Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Want to Learn How to Control Your Sex Drive?
Better understand your sexuality and how to effectively pursue sexual purity in video form! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on sexuality.
