Of all the dating don’ts in the world, why would we propose that it’s never loving to date a loner?

Isn’t love just what a loner needs?

And what’s wrong with being a lone wolf, anyway? Isn’t it better than being a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Or a werewolf? Or the big bad wolf?

Well, for the question about dating a loner, see the article below. And if you like the answer, you can buy the book, from which the answer came. It’s got more answers, including four more dating don’ts.

As for the second question about actually being said lone wolf, watch the MAN2MAN Memo above.

Beware The Loner

Know that pretty and precious wallflower? How about that tall, dark, and handsome lone wolf?

Do. Not. Date. Them.

I realize this prohibition can seem cruel, like denying water to a person dying of thirst, but giving romantic love to a lonely person is not like giving water to someone who’s dehydrated. It’s like giving them hard liquor.

The person dying of thirst needs water. Not liquor. And the loner needs a friend. Not a romantic interest.

I know. I know. A good dating partner should be a good friend. But that’s not the kind of friend a loner needs.

It can seem like you are helping the loner at first because, obviously, a loner isn’t lonely when they’re in love with someone who loves them back.

However, ultimately there are only two outcomes to dating a loner:

1. Break up: leaving the loner even lonelier than before with no relationship base to encourage them and help them move forward without you
2. Marriage: leaving you obligated for life to meet all the relational needs of the loner since they have no relational support system to support them and your marriage

And believe you me, every marriage needs a relational support system for encouragement, accountability, and guidance.

But when you’re in the throes of romantic passion you don’t feel that need. Like who can even think about friends when you have a significant other to daydream about every waking moment you aren’t with them?

So by dating the loner, you keep them feeling good about themselves, even as you keep them from growing in the kind of relationships they need most. This is why Dating Commandment #4 is as follows: Thou shalt not put romance ahead of friendship.

Why Loners Make Passionate Lovers. But Bad Ones.

Why would you be tempted to date a loner?

1. They’re gorgeous
2. They want to date you
3. You have a heart that bleeds for lonely people

Then there’s a reality that makes loners particularly passionate lovers, namely that their neediness can make them fiercely devoted to you, which can feel great. Indeed, it can make you feel incredibly special.

You could wind up with loads of gifts, encouraging texts throughout the day, and little notes hidden in your home and car.

However, a devotion born out of neediness isn’t really about you. It’s about them. So, in essence, they’re using you. All the attention they shower on you is less about how they feel about you and more about how you make them feel about themselves.

But eventually, one of two things will happen:

1. The newness of the romance will wear off, and the reality that one person can never fill all the relational needs of another will become apparent to the loner.
2. The neediness of the loner will wear on you, and the reality that one person can never fill all the relational needs of another will become apparent to you.

How to Spot a Loner

Be aware, not all loners are obvious.

Some clearly have no friends. They may know it and even be open about it. These are usually your introverted loners.

However, other loners, the extroverted types, can seem to have a lot of friends. They may even be the “life of the party,” but you eventually discover they keep people at arm’s length and aren’t close to anyone.

But they’d like to get close to you.

Because you’re nice to look at. And fun to kiss.

So, what does it take to spot a loner? Time. Careful discernment over time.

It might feel all wrong to throw the brakes on an epic love story, but according to the love chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, love is first and foremost patient! So, if you’re feeling rushed, you aren’t being led by love.

[The above post is an excerpt right from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. I wrote it to empower YOU to grow spiritually and date wisely so you can marry well. Check out the book and video curriculum here.]

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