I want to address the common fear among Christians that if you save sex for the wedding night you could wind up sexually incompatible, by helping you put sexual compatibility in its place.
It’s already hard enough to curb your passions when you’re in a serious dating relationship where you’re both crazy about each other. How much more impossible to keep your hands to yourself if you believe discerning whether you’ve found “The One” requires “hands-on experience.”
But what if sexual compatibility is not all you think it is? What if it’s not something to worry about at all. Or at least not what you want to focus on, if you’re hoping for a great marital sex life. Here are just seven perspectives on sexual compatibility and marriage to assuage your fears.
1. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as fire is to a fireplace. The former is meant to be enjoyed inside the boundaries of the latter.
Fire in the fireplace: good!
Fire in the living room: BAD!
Similarly, while sex is wonderful and amazing, it’s also dangerous. And everything dangerous is best enjoyed within safe boundaries. So testing your sexual compatibility before marriage is not quite as practical a plan as it might seem.
Instead, trust God’s word and focus on other core compatibilities in your dating relationships. Then trust, that if you marry someone to whom you not only share mutual attraction, but a common commitment to honoring the marriage bed, you’ll be able to build a fire of sexual compatibility in due time.
2. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as recess is to school. The former does not define the latter.
To be consumed by your desire for sex in marriage is as immature as being consumed by your desire for recess at school.
In other words, if all you want out of marriage is sexual compatibility then you don’t really understand what marriage is all about. It’s so much bigger than the sex!
3. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as an “A” is to studying. If you want the former, you should commit to the latter.
Of course, you can always cheat and get either. And many do.
That said, scoring straight As from disciplined study habits simply can’t compare to a beautiful sex life carefully nurtured by two partners committed to honoring the desires and boundaries of each other for life.
4. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as vulnerability is to friendship. The latter provides the safe relationship for the former.
Can you have great sex outside of marriage? Yes! Sin is often enjoyable.
But more enjoyable? A sex life with someone who’s committed to giving their body to you and you alone. That’s the safe place where you can both share openly about what you do and don’t enjoy in the bedroom.
5. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as a degree is to an education. The latter lends meaning to the former.
Do you want a degree on your wall you don’t have to learn anything to get? If the education means nothing to you, why the degree? Likewise, do you really want meaningless sex? So long as it’s enjoyable?
As much as I truly want you to wind up in a marriage where you enjoy great sex often, I want to see you in a meaningful relationship where your sexual intimacy both represents and cultivates the deep and sacred oneness of marriage!
6. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as an orchestra is to a conductor. The latter should lead the former.
Have you heard an orchestra tuning up before a performance? It’s interesting, but you don’t want to listen long.
But then enters the conductor, who directs the musicians to play together in rhythm. And it’s a beautiful thing when a couple, honoring their vows, learn how to make beautiful music together in the marriage bed.
7. Sexual compatibility is to marriage as a home is to a foundation. The latter is meant to establish the former.
Anything illicit, forbidden, or secretive can be exciting. Sex outside marriage is often all of that. But is that a foundation on which to build a life-giving, lifelong marriage?
No. It isn’t.
More importantly, you can mistake your illicit sexual enjoyment for sexual compatibility, when you’re really just enjoying sin.
The reality? You can’t compare the pleasure of sexual sin with the delight that comes from faithfully growing and learning to enjoy every part of your marriage. Including your sex life!
