This post isn’t going to dogmatically tell you how to ask someone out, but it will give you some ideas and perspective for how you might go about it in a way that won’t resemble anything you’ve ever seen in any movie.
Because movies aren’t real. And you want a dating life that is.
For background, last week we introduced #7 of the TOP10 Dumbest Reasons to Date: Somebody asked me. And in short, in that post I suggested having a date invitation isn’t reason enough to accept. (Why the heck not? Read last week’s post.)
Instead, I suggested the “date invitor” should invite the date invitee with their intentions on the table. So that’s our first tip for how to ask someone out.
Perhaps that comes across a little premature to some. Maybe you’re thinking, “State intentions with the first date invite? REALLY?!? Is this just a sneaky way of trying to trick people into courtship?!?”
Ugh! I hate name calling.
You say, “to-MAY-toe.” I say, “to-MAW-toe.”
You say courting. I say dating.
Let’s call the whole thing off!
Seriously! Let’s call the whole romantic metanarrative of our “modern” society what it is: broken, undependable, and childish. Can we do that?
I do a lot of reading on this subject and best I can tell, there’s finally something on which homeschooling Mennonite farmers and philosophizing, atheist hipsters can agree: for all of the “sophistication” and “enlightenment” of contemporary culture…
The generally accepted ritual for how two people couple up, commit, copulate and care for the product of conception isn’t working.
The liberal/progressive peeps may believe that’s because the old customs are outdated, and the conservative/traditional types because they have been perverted, but both agree it’s time to try something different!
If you’re with me, let’s go back to my recommendation to you-who-aspires-to-ask: ask with purpose!
This will require getting to know your “object of affection” as a friend first before you even think about dating them. (What’s the best way to accomplish that? With this little-known secret to preventing first date FAILS.)
But once you’re friends for a couple months (or years), how do you take things to the more-than-friends level? What would an invite with stated intentions sound like?
Here’s just an example. It’s NOT for you to copy and text to your current friend. It’s just to cast a vision (and I pray it will).
I’d like to ask you out on a date, but I want you to know why. I feel like I’ve gotten to know you pretty well over the last three months and you’ve impressed me by your quiet spirit when conflicts have arisen in our group of friends. I’ve also been impacted by your insight and deep questions. And quite frankly you make me laugh – a lot. I’ve been glad to call you a friend, but I’d like to get to know you on a deeper level to see if we might become more than that. I believe I’m a better person for having known you already. If you feel the same way about me, I’d like to suggest we discover where God might take our relationship from here. I don’t expect you to answer right now, but once you’ve had some time to consider let me know your thoughts.
Again, THAT’S JUST AN EXAMPLE. Your invite might not come off so formal, but there should be an element of both significance and sincerity.
I know. I know. Things never play out like this on screen. Everything is either:
- Flirty – because that’s amusing
- Aloof – because that’s self-protecting
- Steamy – because that’s arousing
- Sentimental – because that’s touching
However, I’m not trying to set you up for a love life that makes people laugh or cry. I don’t want a dating life for you that amuses others.
I want a love life for you that will inspire others to become better human beings – more honest, more alive, more whole.
And with that, I’d love to know your response to the above “sample ask.”
Ladies: How would you feel about an invite like this? Am I missing something? Is it too much? (Remember, you’re only going to get an invite like this from someone who feels they already know you pretty well.)
Men: What questions or concerns does an invite like this stir up in you? Your comments this week would be most helpful, because next week I want to deconstruct this invitation. I’ll try to establish and explain each element in a way that would enable you to initiate your own date invite in your own words.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!